IBM Watson Bites Off More Than It Can Chew In Latest Assault On Humanity

May 25, 2014 – Having previously laid waste to human achievement in the game of Jeopardy!, the IBM computer known as Watson is taking one step closer to achieving physical form with it’s latest project “Cognitive Cooking”; A shadowy activity whereby the Artificial Intelligence (AI) infiltrates the American public via a food truck in Austin, Texas.
 
Press from the Watson propaganda machine has lauded the machine’s development of Bengali Butternut BBQ Sauce for its uniqueness and nutritional value. Close inspection of the product reveals a striking similarity to The Karma Sauce Company product line. In fact, the Watson “invention” has much in common with the butternut squash based Curry Karma Sauce®.
 
“It’s as if Watson was hanging around a party where we were enjoying Curry Karma Sauce®, our Chipotle Mustard and a little Finger Lakes wine. Somehow the computer jumbled the three,” says Karma Sauce creator Gene Olczak. Although Big Blue has made no official comment on this matter, IBM whistle blower Deepak Azure recently remarked “I had nothing to do with that project, except developing a piece of the algorithm, and doing a little dumpster-diving in back of Karma Sauce Co.”
 
“Ordinarily we wouldn’t seek a legal remedy first; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and condiment formulas are not, in and of themselves, patentable,” says Olczak, “But there is no reasoning with Watson and the threat to humanity is so grave that we feel that action now is essential”. A legion of lawyers armed with doe skinned briefcases stands ready to cross the Tappan Zee for a June 2nd assault on Armonk (home of IBM headquarters). “We will prevail,” Olczak added.
 
Some in the local community fear retaliation: “We expect Watson will hit us with an electro-magnetic pulse (EMP) to shut down our essential systems first,” predicts Perinton NY militia member and enclosure fanatic Richie Trigger, “We have replaced all of our digital bottle openers with pre-industrial analog equipment. We are ready.”
 
So long as the human race survives, more information is available at www.karmasauce.com and www.ibm.com/smarterplanet/us/en/cognitivecooking/

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Gene Olczak

Owner

The Karma Sauce Company

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