He’s back! Fitness expert, author and personal trainer Marty Tuley, has returned with the “Second Annual Top-Ten Celebrity Get Off Your Ass List”!
Kansas - December 1, 2004: Marty Tuley, author of Get Off Your Ass! (due in bookstores March 2005) has been called the “Eminem of Fitness”, the “Mr. Blackwell of Fitness” and a few names (and colorful metaphors) we can’t repeat. Last year’s list of celebrities in need of getting off their respective asses, included: Jack and Kelly Osbourne, Reuben, Jason Alexander, and Hillary Clinton to a name a few. His list was a popular topic with newspapers and radio stations across the country, as well as in Europe.
When he’s not bashing fat celebrities, he’s busy personal training professional athletes and housewives in his exclusive one-on-one personal training studio, and writing for various fitness periodicals. Marty is available for speaking engagements, book signings, appearances and interviews. Contact him at email@example.com or at 913-515-5055.
2004 CELEBRITY GET OFF YOUR ASS LIST!
1. Paris Hilton—What a joke. She’s a twig! A twig with no shape, no form and no muscle tone. Okay she’s not a blimp, but do you think she’s healthy? She’s a classic example of what I call, “skinny-fat” but she’s also spoiled rotten, pampered, manner-less, tasteless, and an overall crying, whimpering, silver-spooner with all the charm of a Hollywood Hooker!
P.S. Paris, keep your f&*cking pants up! We’re all tired of seeing your tired, saggy, 80-year-old-looking ass.
2. Uncle Kracker—There’s only one explanation. Kracker ate his band. I’ve never seen his band, and every time I see Kracker he’s bigger. He must be rationing them over time. Kracker, you’ve got a good voice and you’re clearly talented. Why not be healthy as well?
3. Ron Jeremy—I like Ron’s attitude. After watching him on MTV’s Surreal World, I have a new appreciation for this smart and witty porn star. But Ron’s built like a fat Hobbit. That might serve him well in casting calls for additional Lord of The Rings sequels but I gotta believe his day job could be enhanced with regular exercise.
4. Jack Black—You’re funny, no question, but you could sneak in an Osborne family portrait and I’d have trouble telling you apart from Jack or Kelly! Come on Jack, you’re too young and too rich to be so out of shape. Get Off Your Ass!
5. Charles Barkley—Loud, obnoxious, arrogant, pompous and FAT! Was he a great NBA player? Yes. However, for now, he’s just the big, fat, “round-mound” of commentating.
6. Wynonna Judd—I just haven’t stopped crying since I saw Wynonna on Oprah. Poor thing. She’s got a full time chef and trainer; and she just can’t get in shape. Pleeeeeeeease. Nobody’s holding you down and stuffing Twinkies in your mouth!
7. Warren Sapp—He’s fat. Plain and simple. At a NFL-stretched 6’2”, and weighing over 300 pounds, Warren is NOT going to be pitching Subway anytime soon. I am not saying Warren isn’t a good football player - because he is. What I am saying is he could be even better with a little supper-time discipline.
8. Kirstie Alley—Here’s the deal. There’s no question that being under the microscope of “stardome” is hard. Many celebrities just want the freedom to be themselves without the pressure of public opinion. That’s certainly understandable. But forget public opinion for a moment. How about being happy, healthy and fit... for YOU! And don’t feed me that line of s*** about being happy with yourself, because sister you aren’! t, and you know it.
9. Lil’ Kim—In case you haven’t noticed, Lil’ Kim is a Lil’ FAT! Lil’ Kim isn’t necessarily in dire straits yet, but at her height, even a little weight gain can have a big impact. Maybe Lil’ Kim should consider a new handle? How about… “Just a Lil’ More of Kim” or “Not-so-lil’ Kim”.
10. Donald Trump—I am sorry, I am just not a Donald Trump fan. But that aside, what’s under those dapper clothes? Have you ever seen Donald in anything other than a suit? I haven’t. He’s hiding something and my bet is it’s a flabby, saggy, billionaire body. Care to prove me wrong Donald?
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